The King's Vacation
by Fairy Laughing
Summary: King Elessar's job is taking its toll on him, so a conspiracy takes place and he is abducted by Legolas and the twins and taken on a (mostly pointless) quest reminiscent of older times. Incomplete.
1. The Problem

Title: The King's Vacation

Author: Fairy Laughing

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I am just borrowing them, they actually belong to Tolkien. Fear not, I shall return all the toy soldiers to the trunk once I am through finished playing with them. ;)

Summary: Elessar's job is taking its toll on him, so a conspiracy takes place and he is abducted by Legolas and the twins and taken on a mostly pointless quest reminiscent of older times. Unemployed orcs, unwashed rangers, and drunk humans all turn up and Legolas starts to think that maybe Elessar would have been less stressed at home, but to their surprise, he starts to enjoy himself.

Canon notes: Takes place about four years after RotK, and I'm going with the idea that the twins remained in Middle Earth for a few years, and then sailed a little while after Legolas.

Warnings: A bit of alcohol use and abuse in later chapters, and some characters may come across as out of character, but it's all in the spirit of humour.

Feedback: Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top?

The King's Vacation

by Fairy Laughing

Chapter I: The Dilemma

It was four years into the rule of King Elessar and Gondor was thriving beneath his gentle, but firm diplomacy. His plans for expansion had gone well, and now the city was bustling with activity and all persons happy. Crime was relatively low, and the crops generous (as was the king's mid-section). Arwen, his lovely elvish queen, had grown to love the city nearly as much as her homeland of Rivendell. Still, at times, she missed the wilderness of those lands. Arwen had planted a large garden, and spent most of her days beneath the tree boughs with her son and infant daughter.

Yet all was not well with the king; though he loved his queen much, as well as his children, he was devoted to the kingdom and ruling had taken its toll on his body, mind and family affairs. He had become distant and irritable and worked long into the night only to arise with the sun and return to work. Elessar's appearance was slightly haggard, and Arwen sometimes found him staring outside of the window with a look of melancholy longing. He whom had been raised among elf-kind and spent many years in the wilds had grown to miss the unpopulated lands and the freedom he once had to roam about at will. It was one of these moments when Arwen choose to approach him, speaking in her usual gentle manner, "You grow old before your time love. Will you not rest?"

"I have work to do." He turned back to the papers on his desk.

"Please, Elessar," She wrapped pale arms about his waist, frowning at the growing belly, "You work too much, too hard."

"Gondor needs her King."

"Gondor's King needs a break." She said firmly.

"I will not leave the kingdom in the hands of others!" He cried, perhaps a little too harshly. Arwen drew back, her expression hurt.

Just then, a baby's cry rang up and Eldarion came running into the room, nearly tripping over his small feet, and tugged on his mother's hand, "She's crying again!"

Sighing, Arwen closed her eyes and allowed herself to be taken to her distressed daughter, sending one last, pleading look to Elessar.

By the end of the week he had made no move to change his plans, and Arwen knew that it was time to enlist help from others. Quickly she penned two elvish letters, and sent them with a messenger; one went to Imlandris, and another to Mirkwood.

It was not long after Arwen had written when her brothers arrived, Elladan and Elrohir who had been in charge of ruling Imlandris as well, but had left another to that job for a vacation of their own. Their reunion with Arwen and Elessar was a happy one, and Elladan could not but help poke fun at Elessar's widened belly. Elessar's response was to growl at him and mutter about his mistake of hiring a hobbit cook, because, although the hobbit was most talented in the kitchen, he always made a huge amount and it was really quite good.

Mere days later, Legolas arrived, looking as he always had compared to Elessar and even Arwen who carried herself with a queenly grace and had become somewhat maternal. All three marvelled at how quickly the royal children had grown, and congratulated them on the beautiful children. Eldarion had grown fond of stories from the Elrohir, and rough housing with Elladan and Legolas. Elladan had become his horse, much to Elrohir's amusement.

Once the reluctant king and children had been put to bed, Arwen called a very important, very secret counsel in the wine storage room. She held her nightgown above the dirty floor daintily, her hair bound back and eyes intense. Elladan had taken a bottle from the wall, and was examining the date with approval.

"Elladan, pay attention now," Arwen said, "I have called you here for a reason."

"Yes milady." He said, looking to her but still clutching the bottle.

"We must find a way to force Elessar to relax. His job, I fear, will soon make him ill. He grows so cranky... like a child who has not taken their afternoon nap."

The three nodded, and then Legolas smiled, "Well, then perhaps we should force him to take a break, away from the city."

"How do you propose we convince him to leave his post?" Elrohir asked.

"Whoever said anything about convincing him?" Legolas asked, a large grin crossing his face. Elladan and Elrohir grinned as well, and Arwen wondered idly what she had gotten her beloved into.

To be continued...


	2. The Solution

The King's Vacation

by Fairy Laughing

Chapter II: The Solution

Three days after the plan had been planned, whispered in the wine cellar, and disrupted by a maid who had found it rather disconcerting to find the four elves huddled in the grimy cellar in the wee hours of the night, the plan was set into motion. Over dinner that night, which consisted of a huge array of different platters and seemed a feast, though it was normal fare, the twins had suggested the idea of a trip into the wilds to Elessar who had shaken his head and obstinately insisted that Gondor needed her King. This having been said, the after dinner wine was brought into the room by Elrohir, returning from a momentary departure after he had spilt some sauce on his tunic. Elessar had at first refused the wine, claiming that he had work to do that night, but Elrohir was persuasive in that he should try it, for it was very good, and Elessar could not be rude with the look Arwen was giving him. So he drank it, and immediately afterwards felt woozy. Shrugging off the tiredness as excitement from having his visiting friends, he excused himself to his study and continued planning the sewage channels for the new section of Gondor; there were problems with his plans, and he was trying to find some way to bypass populated areas.

Alas, his eyelids started drooping as they became heavier and heavier, and the words before him began to blur.

"Agh.." Elessar tried to blink away the tiredness, berating himself for feeling so sleepy. "Gondor needs her king!" he reminded himself aloud, earning a few hushed snickers from... his closet? Elessar stood up to investigate, but before he could reach the closet door (made from Ent managed forests naturally) he fell against it and onto the floor, snoring loudly.

Elladan and Elrohir came out of the closet, both smirking as if they were immensely pleased with themselves, and they were. For lying on the ground was Elessar, sleeping deeply and muttering something about Arwen (which they honestly did not want to hear).

Legolas came into the room, dressed in travel gear and bearing their packs, followed by Arwen, baby in arms. She bent down and kissed her husband on the forehead, brushing his hair aside and telling him to relax.

"He cannot hear you."

"Which is why I expect you to take good care of him." She instructed, turning to Legolas and the twins with a look that could melt a glacier.

"Yes milady." All three replied in unison, suddenly fearful of the she-elf's wrath. Her baby girl cooed quietly and Arwen's gaze softened as she looked down.

"We must leave before the drug wears off." Elrohir said, watching Elessar groan and shift in his sleep, still muttering.

Elladan nodded and put his arms beneath Elessar's shoulders, grunting as he lifted. Elrohir took his feet, grumbling, "You have put on much weight Estel!"

Legolas, meanwhile, went ahead to open doors along their planned escape route to the stables, where they set him down in the hay. Moments later, there was an argument.

"There is no way!"

"But Elladan, you are his brother." Legolas argued.

"You are his best friend!"

"It is nothing you have not seen before!"

"Nor you!"

Elrohir sighed, "Be at peace, both of you, I shall change his clothing if it means so much." Then Elrohir changed Elessar's kingly attire to something more suitable to days of riding, and smeared his face with a bit of soot for that fully rangerly appearance. A dark cloak completed the effect, and efficiently hid his visage for the time being.

"There now, it shall be like old times." Elrohir said, wiping the soot onto his tunic.

"He never had a potbelly then." Elladan said.

"Nor grey hairs." Added Legolas.

"Shush, he will loose that we hope.

The stables were dark still, and empty as they had planned. Within the dusky interior horses brayed, and the sweet scent of hay and oats filled the air. Already four strong horses had been saddled, and packs made. For the moment, they set the dozing Elessar on Legolas' horse in front of him, a position that they had taken many times before. If the potion worked as it was supposed to, he would sleep for two days, and by that time they would be well outside of the main part of Gondor and deep in the countryside. They could only hope that they would need to tie Elessar down then, but Legolas had some strong elvish-made rope in his pack should the need for it arise.

"Well, off we go then!" Elladan cried, spurring his horse forth. Legolas followed on Arod, with Elessar before him, and then Elrohir with the stubborn mule-of-a-horse Elessar was to ride tied next to him, resisting the departure. This would, no doubt, prove an interesting vacation.

To be continued...


	3. The Awakening

The King's Vacation

by Fairy Laughing

Chapter III: The Awakening

Elessar awoke slowly, the sensation of being jolted back and forth on the horse steadily driving him insane and making the contents of his stomach whisk about and begin to drive upwards. "Urgh.." He gurgled, causing Legolas to stop and issue to the twins to stop as well. They were on a dusty road somewhere between Gondor and the base of the White Mountains, which separated Gondor and Rohan, and the elves had every intent of staying south of the mountains to prevent Elessar from asking for help from the Rohirrim.

Legolas dismounted and helped Elessar to the ground, allowing him to hunch over and regain his bearings before asking him, "How was your rest my liege?"

Elladan and Elrohir looked on, with identical grins that would alarm even the most competent, level-headed elf-lord.

"It was... peaceful." Elessar blinked, looking about himself with an expression of sheer confusion, "Where are we?"

"Two days of riding outside of Gondor," Elladan said calmly, "why?"

"That is nice..." He paused, face turning gradually redder, "What am I doing here?"

"You are on vacation." Elrohir explained, equally calm as his twin.

The floodgates broke. "How can I be on vacation? I do not remember giving consent to this. Gondor needs her King!"

Legolas geared himself for the 'Gondor needs her King' speech again, but it never came for then Elladan interrupted him. "And Gondor's King might as well get to know the people of the land."

"Do you know what this is?" Elessar cried, "This is a kidnapping, that is what it is! I cannot believe it, kidnapped by my own brothers and best friend! How could you?"

Over his four years of rule Elessar had become rather good at acting outraged; he had to at times to get his way, but this, they could tell, was genuine. Legolas and Elrohir exchanged uncomfortable glances as they saw Elladan dismount creep up behind the rambling king, taking from his pack a sour apple and a handkerchief. He quickly stuffed the apple into Elessar's mouth, and used the handkerchief to bind it in place. "Oomph!" Elessar mumbled, glaring.

Then, from Legolas, Elladan took the elven rope and bound Elessar's hands snugly behind his back, being careful not to tie it too tightly, for though elven rope is thin and flexible, it can be extraordinarily strong. Elessar glared.

Elladan stuck out his tongue and looked very smug.

Elessar retaliated by kicking Elladan in the right shin, prompting Elrohir and Legolas to grab him and fling him atop his horse, still bound and gagged.

"Say..." Elrohir mused, watching Elessar slide off the back of the mount and land with a thump on the dusty road, "how is he to stay atop the horse?"

Exchanging glances, they shrugged. Elladan, walked - okay, limped - to Elessar and picked him up, quickly finding that he needed help to get the heavy king up. Elrohir helped, and soon they had Elessar bound to the horse, glaring at them with an expression of pure rage.

"Now, be a good boy and do not squirm too much, Estel." Elladan dusted off his hands, and all three climbed onto their horses and set out again.

After a little while of blessed silence Elladan asked, "Where exactly are we going anyway?" This simple, child-like question prompting Elessar's eyes to widen.

Elrohir paused, "I think we shall figure that out once we get there."

"Oh, fair enough then." Elladan chirped in a tone far too cheerful for Elessar's liking, or even Legolas' for that matter. Idly he began to ponder the wisdom in enlisting Elladan and Elrohir's help. It was not that they were not the ideal for implementing the mission of getting Elessar out of the palace; oh no, in fact, they were just the elves for that task. But now that they were finished, Legolas began to wonder if they were leading the group into a death trap, as they had many other times.

Not to long later, Elessar began to squirm, receiving a swift thwack in the head from Elrohir, (for the fifth time that day) "Relax! You are on vacation."

"It is a bit hard to relax with you hitting him." Legolas muttered, but shut his mouth at the scathing glare that was placed on him by Elrond's youngest.

They continued travelling, and decided to rest at nightfall by the time they were half a day past the Morthond River. Camp was set, Elessar's gag removed, and everyone fed on a stew Legolas had made. He had declined the twins' offer to cook, knowing full well the results of that decision from what Elessar had told him of past hunting trips and quests... they had no need for food poisoning this early on.

The problem was, now, Elessar was still hungry. He stated this, and Elladan prodded his belly and told him that he did not need it. Then Elessar was unbound for the night, and told not to go anywhere; besides, they had intended on each taking turns on guard duty that night... but Elrohir had an unfortunate tendency to fall asleep on the watch.

To be continued...


	4. The Escape

The King's Vacation

by Fairy Laughing

Chapter IV: The Escape

Feigning sleep, Elessar had waited long into the night, and he was beginning to get impatient. Elrohir had been on the watch for hours by now! When would he get up and allow Elladan or Legolas to take over? Elessar cracked one eye open; Elrohir still appeared to be awake, but the vacant look to his eyes was alarming. Certainly Elrohir had no great matters of importance to think of so deeply. The bloody elf only had one (basically empty) city to run, with Elladan, and most of the time they got someone else to do it. Grumbling, but with slight concern that something was amiss with his brother, Elessar sat up and groaned. He groaned in pain, noting the sensation in his back. No, he was certainly not used to lying on hard ground. Then, with (nearly) rangerly stealth, he crept to where Elrohir sat; his legs crossed and elbows resting on his knees with his fair face cupped in his hands. His dark eyes were a shade lighter than usual, and entirely vacant with elven sleep. Elessar sighed, waving one hand in front of Elrohir's eyes. Definitely asleep. He did not know how an elf could fall asleep on watch; they argued that they never fell asleep when they do not intend to, but it had become a habit of Elrohir to fall asleep while seeming alert, probably a skill acquired during Elrond's lectures

A large grin crossed his face. Elessar chuckled quietly to himself the entire time he went about the camp. He unleashed the elves' mounts, hurdled a rope over a large tree branch and then hoisted their packs up into the trees (not before taking a considerable portion of their rations) and flung the rope into the tree. Their blankets had large, heavy rocks on all four corners, effectively pinning them down. Elessar dusted off his hands and surveyed his handy-work, knowing that would delay them long enough for him to get a good lead back to Gondor. It would also prove (part of) his revenge. Smirking, he mounted his horse and galloped away, silhouetted by the sunrise. And then realized that Gondor was the other way.

Cursing in dwarfish, Elessar started out Eastwards, purposefully taking a route that would detour around his previous camp. By the time the sun had risen, the elves had awoken and squirmed out from beneath their rock-covered blankets, thoroughly confused at the supposed pranks that had been pulled. The rocks were lifted easily, and the horses came when called to. However, the packs proved difficult. Elrohir was chosen to climb the tree, as punishment for falling asleep on the watch, but the branch had broken with the combined weight of elf and gear, landing on Elladan. It had taken a little while to get the branch off Elladan, and afterwards he sported a bandage about his brow and Elrohir a sprained wrist. Both twins were muttering curses when they at last set out, knowing that Elessar was headed East (they may be clumsy, but they are not stupid). Legolas could barely keep from snickering on the way as they nursed their wounds and injured pride.

The King, meanwhile, had run into problems of his own. Orcish problems that is. He had rode straight into the middle of an orc camp - a very disorganized orc camp that cut into the side of a cave. Not that they were not all disorganized, but this one was truly a tornado site. From the way it looked, with the ground worn to dirt, the camp had been standing for some time - years even. But Elessar, alas, had little time to pay attention to orcish housekeeping skills (or the lack thereof), for within moments he was surrounded by nearly a dozen slobbering, stinking orcs and half a dozen Uruk-hai, rusty blades pressed to his neck and loins. His horse, fortunately, knew better than to move about when faced with such creatures. He found himself pulled from the mount, which was then released, and dragged from beneath the trees and into the dark cave. Torches were lit, and shadows cast up in red and orange light.

"What have we 'ere?" Their leader, judging by his shinier armour, grunted.

"Man-flesh again, Morbog?" Another Uruk-hai asked.

"Yeah. Another ranger."

"But I am tired of man-flesh. What I would not give for a nice, tender child?" He smacked his lips again.

"Or elf-meat," Another lamented, "It has become so rare these days."

"We will make do with this one. He seems to 'ave enough meat on 'em for all of us." Morbog said, poking Elessar's belly with his sword.

"Unhand me filthy beasts!" Elessar cried, turning red.

The orcs and Uruks all laughed, and Morbog picked up some rope, demanding that the others tie up Elessar for the day, and they would eat him come nightfall. During the day, Morbog said, his screams could lull them to sleep. The others thought this to be an excellent idea, although the one smaller orc kept looking at him hungrily and at one point licked his arm. Elessar shuddered, but knew that he had been in worse situations before.

No doubt someone would rescue him; they always did, right? ... right? Of course.

As the orcs prepared to take their rest, during the day light hours (and if you want to know about their dental hygiene, it is best not to ask), they spoke to themselves, occasionally laughing at nothing in particular. Elessar found it strange that they spoke in the common tongue, as opposed to the traditional, guttural orcish language. At last he gathered the nerve to ask them.

"We's in waiting." Morbog explained, "They told us to wait 'ere for us until theys come and tells us where we are in the battle."

"I am sorry to tell you this, but the battle was over four years ago." Elessar knew he was walking upon metaphorical thin ice, "Your side lost." He took a deep breath, gathering all his persuasive influence, "So you no longer need to wait around here. And you no longer need to eat man-flesh either."

"But we's orcs, we's supposed to eat man-flesh."

"Do you enjoy the taste of it?"

Morbog thought very hard on this, before finally replying, "No."

"Then why do you not eat... oh... say vegetables?"

"Because we's orcs!" Morbog pounded his chest.

"I like vegetables." One orc voiced quietly.

"Close your stinkin' mouth Uburg!"

"Are there any others amongst you who would prefer vegetables to man-flesh? What about, say, mutton?"

All but two of the orcs and Uruks present raised their hands; only Morbog and two others did not.

"And you do not need to remain here either. How many of you would like to move on with your lives and do something constructive?"

Again, all but Morbog raised their gnarled hands.

"I like building things." One said shyly.

"Me too." Agreed another, quietly. And then several cries rang up, each of the foul beasts promoting their own abilities.

"I can make houses!"

"I can make fences!"

"I can sew curtains!"

"Very good." Elessar said, nodding to them and grinning. "Will you untie me, please?"

While the orcs untied Elessar, Morbog less than willing, another party had chosen to join this battle of wits. Needless to say, they were seriously unarmed.

A rather young voice called from the cave's door, "We shall save you, fellow ranger!"


	5. The Other Problem

Replies to Reviews: (Aren't I special? You are appreciated!)  
  
grumpy -- Well, here's another chapter. Glad you're enjoying this bit of silliness.  
  
LotRseer3350 -- Thank you. :) Aragorn has been under a lot of stress... what with ruling, having kids, all that.  
  
technetium -- It's supposed to be amusing. I happen to be a vegetarian myself. Heheh.. raw flesh could get a bit boring.   
  
leggy-stinks -- Interesting pen-name. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Thank you. :) FanFiction.net was messing up when I uploaded the first two chapters, so it always says that there are two more than there actually are. The story itself was not showing up when the summary on the LotR page was.. grr..  
  
  
  
The King's Vacation  
  
by Lily Frost  
  
Chapter V: The (Other) Problem  
  
Elessar looked to the source of the voice, and was immediately even more surprised and bewildered than he had been when an orc attested to curtain making. There, framed in the increasing morning light, was what Elessar could only assume to be a ranger, for his garb, but he seemed increasingly young. Barely more than a child, the human was dressed in a tunic several sizes too large, and his stance was awkward with his knobbly knees far too close and his arms leaving his torso entirely too open. These were the first flaws Elessar noticed, and then from around him gathered several more youths, similarly garbed, the seemingly strongest among them being a well-built girl who stepped right next to the first boy, their leader.  
  
"Foul beasts," The boy declared, his voice going shrill. He blushed, cleared his throat, and tried again, "Hear me, ye foul beasts; creatures which have ravaged our village and wounded our fathers. Unhand your captive, and we will be merciful and make your deaths quick."  
  
A change came about the orcs and Uruks; no longer were they enthusiastically offering their talents to Elessar, but they were snarling and growling at the juvenile warriors. Elessar was strangely reminded of the War of the Ring, where he had seen many men too young to be in such battles come in full armour -- pushed to fight for the lack of others. Even now, the situation would have been humorous if the circumstances were not so dire. He took pity on the young rangers, but was irritated by their stupidity; for there was no way they could outmatch the orcs and Uruks.  
  
Shaking himself from those thoughts, he stepped forth from the orcs, holding one hand to each opponent and spoke loudly, "There is no need for you to act out this battle!"  
  
Both parties looked to him, and Elessar felt distinctly uncomfortable, though this was a condition he was well used to being in, "This battle will only result in bloodshed, on both parties."  
  
He turned to the beasts, "Did you not say, moments ago, this very day, that you would rather create things than destroy them?"  
  
The orcs and Uruks grunted in approval to each other, but then they were interrupted by one of the human teenagers, "You wounded our fathers, we want revenge!"  
  
"Yes, vengeance shall be ours!"  
  
Elessar groaned. This was not going as planned. He turned to the humans, "These orcs do not wish you hurt you, they are changed monsters. Will you not try to start anew?"  
  
"Our people have been doing battle with these beasts for many years."  
  
"We shall kill them all!"  
  
"We shall not be silenced!"  
  
This was going nowhere!  
  
Again, Elessar groaned, but he was unable to halt the progress of the youths when they charged, too-large weapons raised. The orcs and Uruks looked to each other helplessly for a moment before shrugging and jumping into battle, making horrid faces and baring their unkept fangs at the young warriors. Elessar even saw one of the younger ones faint at the scent when an orc exhaled on his face. He tried reasoning, and eventually resorted to taking any dropped weapons so that they could not cause as much harm to each other.  
  
Approaching the cave entrance from the distance were three horses, and riding upon them three very familiar figures. Elessar did not know if he should be relieved or upset that he had been found. Quickly the elves dismounted and approached him, the twins glaring angrily. They then looked to the orcs and Uruks, battling against the rangers, and then to Elessar, who replied simply, "The orcs are unemployed, and the children have nothing better to do... I told them that this was a fruitless battle, but they would not hear me out."  
  
"And you have done nothing else?" Legolas asked.  
  
Elessar shook his head.  
  
"Why do we not simply knock them out?" Elladan asked.  
  
"Excellent idea brother." Elrohir said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  
  
Elladan nonchalantly walked to an orc and youth that were in tight battle, the orc obviously winning, and bashed the orc and then the youth with the butt of his sword, effectively knocking them both unconscious. Then he moved to another two in close. Elrohir sighed and joined his brother, knowing that if they did not do this both a parties would be in even worse shape than a bump on the head.  
  
By the time the twins were through, all the orcs and humans were lying in heaps on the ground, not moving, but all still thankfully alive. The only they had not knocked out were Uburg the orc and the young girl, who had been only sparring when the others were fighting, and had halted when the elves came to them.   
  
"Pray tell," Legolas asked, "what exactly were your age-mates doing fighting these creatures? Certainly they were unevenly matched and knew it."  
  
The girl sighed, looking to Uburg, and then to the elves, "Do you have time for a bit of a story?"  
  
To be continued... 


	6. The Story

The King's Vacation

by Fairy Laughing

Chapter VI: The Story

Elessar frowned at the unconscious orcs and humans, and then looked to the girl and remaining orcs, "So, what is the cause of all this bloodshed and hatred?"

She sighed, "It started five years old. I remember little, as I was but a child then, though I have been told stories about what took place. It was after the war, but the Uruks had been awaiting orders from the Dark Lord for many months. Their orders never came, and they were left with the last orders they had received."

"And they still obeyed them?" Elladan asked.

She nodded, "They had nothing else to hold on to besides their instructions to allow none to pass over the bridge that crosses the Anduin. This was always our village's trading route, the centre of our commerce. During the war we did not use this route, but afterwards we tried to regain it... regain our commerce and livelihood."

"And how did that go?" Elrohir leant towards her to listen."

"Well, we have been trying for five years, but we are nothing more than a small farming village, and we have no experienced warriors. We have only sent them in small groups too, so we have yet to overtake the Uruks."

Elessar shook his head, "These fell beasts do not know why they are fighting either... so all this is pointless."

"When they awake will you make peace?" Legolas asked, realizing what had happened.

"For all of ours that have been killed or wounded? After years of being cut off from the rest of Middle Earth?" She became angered.

"They have lost some of their own." Elrohir pointed out.

Urburg nodded his agreement to this fact, looking a little bit sad. You could almost feel sorry for him.

"Well... how do we solve this then?" She asked.

Elessar, being the most excellent conflict solver that he had become, declared, "When they awake please refrain fighting – any of the orcs who wish to stay and repair the village they have destroyed may, they can build houses, fences and... uh... make curtains."

"Curtains?" Elrohir asked dubiously.

"Yes, curtains." Urburg said.

"And for the ones who are seriously anti-human and were not just following orders?"

"We will... take them with us." Elessar said, very slowly.

"What?!" All three elves cried.

"I do not think that is a wise idea, friend..." Legolas said.

"Are you mad?" Elladan asked.

"They are orcs!" Elrohir cried, "So we are just going to pack them up on horses and take them with us, travelling about the countryside with unemployed orcs?"

"That is what we will do Elrohir, yes. Though they may prefer their own mounts over horses."

"Oh, so now we will have orcs AND wargs? Brilliant!"

"I think it's a pretty good idea, myself." Elessar said, Elrohir's sarcasm passing over his head. "We can find somewhere for them where they will not bother others."

"No, they will not bother anyone until after they have eaten us in our sleep."

"Have some faith in our word, elf." Urburg grunted.

"I know no one who has lived to speak of an orc keeping it's word."

"Pansy elf!"

"Stinking orc!"

"Prissy!"

"Ugly!"

"Both of you, silence!" Elessar cried, putting himself between the quarrelling orc and elf. Elrohir stuck out his tongue at Urburg who pulled down one eyelid in reply.

"Worse than little brothers..." The girl murmured, and Elessar had to agree.

"Where will we take the orcs?" Legolas asked.

"Ah... well, gee..."

"Harad." Elrohir decieded. "Middle of Harad without water or mounts, and then we leave them."

"That is mean."

"We could bring them up into the mountains," Elessar thought aloud, "Where there are no people... they could live of, like, roots and animals and stuff."

"Sounds like a plan."

They had all more or less agreed, or at least had to put aside the argument just then, because the orcs and children had started to groan and wake up. Quickly they took away everyone's weapons, and moved all the kids to one side of the cave, near the exit, and the orcs towards the back of the cave.

And then they waited.

To be continued...

*Author ducks from the flying vegetables, handily catching a carrot and munching on it.*


End file.
